unarmed on the battlefield – walkthepiccadillycircus – Shadowhunters (TV) [Archive of Our Own]
“ Feelings are shifting like the tide.”
Fic for @mattspumpkin for Jalec Gift Exchange. I hope you enjoy this! 😀
(title and summary were taken from the song Battlefield by Lea Michelle.)
I’m a sucker for good parabatai bond stories, and this one is just lovely!
Matt’s lips are pressed to that point on Dom’s jaw that he’d put aloe on himself, and Dom almost laughs desperately as Matt kisses again, a little higher up, so the pain slides fully into pleasurable. Yes homo then.
This is wonderful – bittersweet, so full of feelings and delicious attraction…
Shadowhunters AU
Ship: Jace x AlecSee tags for trigger warnings. Also, I listened to this a lot during writing, so if you want background music while reading: click here.
Jace had always loved the apple tree the most. You could see it from almost every room on the east side of the house, its wide branches embracing the mansion like a gentle giant. It was the one living thing in the gardens that Mr. Lightwood had to look after the least and yet it was the first thing that came to Jace’s mind when he thought of their groundsman. The Lightwoods had always been there to look after the gardens surrounding Herondale Manor, just like the apple tree had always been there. To Jace life at the mansion was unthinkable without either one.
He loved everything about the apple tree. He loved its white blossoms in spring, its green leaves in summer, its delicious apples in fall and even its knobby naked branches in winter, that turned from black to white with the first snow every year. Countless memories hung in those branches, like forgotten fruit. Memories of a little blond boy who climbed too high and broke his arm when he fell, of three children – two siblings and their best friend – shaking the trunk with all their strength until an apple hit one of them on the head and they laughed until their stomachs hurt; memories of faded letters carved into dry bark and of promises whispered and carried away by the wind.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
Alec had been Jace’s friend for as long as he could remember. Despite belonging to different social classes they had grown up together and spent their whole lives in each other’s company. Life had been easier when they were children, no rules standing in their way that went beyond ‘don’t eat this’ or ‘don’t ruin your clothes playing in the dirt’. It hadn’t mattered that Jace was the son of a Lord and Alec the son of his servant. They had just been Jace and Alec.
Two boys who had played together, laughed together, learned how to read and write together. Two boys who had brought home an injured fox cub and insisted on keeping him as a pet during the winter, both hiding their tears when spring came and it was time to let him go. Two boys who had looked at the world with the same innocent eyes and believed that things would always be the same.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
They started treating them differently when Jace turned twelve – Alec was thirteen then – and he was given a private tutor. Mr. Starkweather was a strict but kind man, relentless and patient. Jace would have liked the lessons he taught him if they hadn’t taken up the time he’d used to play outside with Alec and Isabelle. Often Hodge would rebuke him for not paying attention but rather staring out the window, watching Alec walking around the garden, carrying tools for his father, planting flower bulbs or moving around carts filled with earth. The time for games seemed over and soon Jace began to yearn for a childhood that had ended too quickly.
Their friendship didn’t end but where they had spent time watching worms squirm around in the rain-damp earth or fought wars with their brave toy soldiers Jace was now reading books and practicing the piano while Alec learned everything there was to know about his father’s trade. One day Jace would be lord of the manor and Alec would be his groundsman. It was a game they had played as little children but a reality neither of them were prepared to live.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
They first kissed on the day Jace left to stay with his uncle in the city. It was only for two months; to see the capital and the world of business – and to learn how to be a proper gentleman. Sixty-one days, Alec told him, and Jace would never forget the way his hazel eyes shone in the early light of the sun, or the way his lips felt against his when he had stood up on the tip of his toes and claimed them as his. He’d smelled like rain and earth and something sweet. With fifteen Jace was too old to cry about leaving home, his mother said, but she did not know that it was not the house he would miss.
He kissed Alec sixty-two times when he returned, for every day he had missed him and one extra because he had never been good at math. Alec didn’t complain.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
The following summer they cleaned up the attic together. Jace’s mother did not like to see her son do a servant’s work, but she could see there was no stopping him. For days and days Jace and Alec looked through dusty old things, forgotten and abandoned, discarding many and keeping a few. To Jace those days were a blur of happiness and joy and kisses that tasted like dust and ancient wine (one of the things they kept).
Their efforts were rewarded with a place they could call their own; with a bed and a pile of books and a wall for pictures and photographs they liked. On many nights to follow they would sneak up to meet there, to get lost in their own little world and forget what was expected of them. The bed stood right underneath the window so that in the mornings all Jace had to do was lift his head and he could see the apple tree in the garden below. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
Aside from Alec sleeping in his arms.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
When Jace turned 17 he was set to marry a girl he had never met. Her name was Clarissa and her hair had the color of rust. She was the daughter of a man of influence and power in the capital, and their union would be appropriate. The only person more upset about this arrangement than Jace himself was Alec.
Two nights Jace spent alone in the attic, waiting for his love in vain. On the third night he saw him outside by the apple tree. That night Jace gave away his family ring: dangling from a silver chain he put it around Alec’s neck. It is yours and no one else’s, he vowed. Like my heart, now and forever. They kissed, and Alec swore to kiss no other as long as he lived.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
As the wedding moved closer Jace became restless. He cried and refused but his parents insisted. No man or woman is truly free in this world; bound by duty and expectation we are but caged animals, his father said. Two nights before his coach to the city awaited, Jace begged Alec to meet him by the old bridge that crossed the river near the woods. It was the place where they had found their fox cub and where they had spent many summers trying to catch fish. A place of magic and freedom and innocence.
Run away with me, Jace pleaded. I’d rather die a beggar in your arms than live a life of wealth and never be allowed to kiss you again. And what reason had Alec to refuse? They agreed to meet a night from then, taking nothing but what they needed to live.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
But they had more than the stars and the moon to witness their encounter. Isabelle, woken by her brother’s disappearance had followed and overheard their whispers. In fear for her brother’s fate Isabelle ran to their mother, recounting what she’d heard. And the following night Alec would scream and cry and hit his hands against the door of his room until they bled, but it would not open.
And Jace would wait an hour, two, his hope slowly fading – until he heard footsteps on dry leaves. But it was not Alec who came to him. It was Max, the youngest, with the Herondale ring in his hand and news of Alec’s change of mind on his lips. Perhaps in another life, he recounted his mother’s words, disguised as his brother’s.
Heartbroken Jace stayed behind, praying the winter cold would take his life and with it his misery. But he was not so lucky, and in the morning it was time to go home and get on his coach. He did not look back at the house or the attic window, the brown leaves of the apple tree looking lifeless and still from the corners of his eyes.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
For weeks there were no news from home, yet Jace could not forget. More often than not he found himself wishing he could go back, back to the little room in the attic, to their books and their dreams and the warmth of Alec’s embrace. His marriage was one on the paper, no love lost between him and his wife. It was not her fault that she was bound to him, but he could not give her what he had given away a long time ago: his heart.
One day his parents arrived in the city, like refugees, bearing news of a dreadful sickness. Like a plague it had taken over the house, they said, leaving nothing but death in its wake. Never in his life had Jace felt greater fear and all warnings were ignored and all vows to Clarissa forgotten as he took his father’s horse and stormed back over icy roads to the home of his childhood.
Take what you must, o death, he thought, but please spare my love.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
The house had never been so quiet. Where once laughter and joy had prevailed only dread and loss were present now. With trembling hands and an aching heart Jace visited the stage of his childhood, the rooms that told the story of his life. One by one he found them. Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood, still and mute, as if they were sleeping. Isabelle, her black hair held in a loose braid, lips once red and full of life now white and silent. She was beautiful as ever, like Snow White preserved in her casket of glass. And little Max, his hand wrapped loosely around the wooden toy soldier Jace had given him for his birthday a lifetime ago. They all had died in their beds, trusting in the one who’d cared for them, who had brought them sweet smelling tea and promises of painless sleep. The one who could not forgive.
With an aching lump in his throat Jace stumbled through the graveyard he had once called home, yelling the one name he could remember in his horror, the one name that still mattered.
Alec. Alec. Alec.
He never received an answer nor found another body. When he reached the attic his mind played cruel tricks on him, maddened by fear. There he was: Alec, as pale as his sister, a twig from the apple tree in his hands that stood in full flower, his eyes closed in a peaceful expression. A blink, a beat of his heart later and he was gone; nothing but an empty bed that held the happiest memories of Jace’s life between its dusty sheets with him in the room. And outside the window, the apple tree.
Jace had never seen an uglier, more horrific thing in his life.
It was a mockery, a cruel ridicule of something once pure and innocent. Jace ran, faster than he ever had, even though he knew it was too late. He fell and tripped, his knees covered in dirt and snow by the time he reached the tree. He felt no pain or cold as he wrapped his arms around his lover’s legs and pushed him up, as if that would bring the air back into his lungs or the life back into his body. He couldn’t hold him for long, his shoes slipping on the wet ground and his strength failing him fast. The world was blurring before his eyes; the image of Alec hanging in his beloved tree swimming away— and Jace screamed.
He screamed until his lungs burned and his throat was sore.
~ + ~ + ~ + ~
The ground was hard and frozen and by the time Jace had dug a hole deep enough his hands were bleeding. There were no flowers to adorn his lover’s grave, no letters to be buried with him and no words of love to be spoken. So many things were left unsaid between them but Alec couldn’t hear them where he was now, and Jace’s heart was too broken to believe his prayers would reach him. The small hill of black earth beneath the tree stood out sharp against the white snow around it, the only thing remaining from the story of the three little children who had shook the apple tree for its fruit, and the two lost boys who had found love in one another.
And like the others, Jace disappeared. His feet carried him away from the tree, away from Alec, away from the house. All he left behind was a trail of footprints that was quickly covered when the snow began to fall again. A trail that led through trees and bushes, all bare and dead now, down to a little bridge that spread across the icebound river.
And half-way across, the footprints ended.
Lyrical and beautiful, this AU broke my heart into a million little pieces.
There’s no human bond that compares to what Alec and I have.
Who let the onion-cutting ninjas in?
Book club, huh?
A light-hearted Jace vid for a change, this is hilarious.
To Love In Vain
Pairing: Jace/Alec
Rating: Teen Up and Audiences
Summary:
Jace is in a dark ‘parabatai-like’ bond with Jonathan Morgenstern, and has lost ties with everything and everyone he loves. But what if he encounters his former parabatai, Alec?
Notes: One-shot. For anyone who hasn’t read the books it won’t probably make much sense, but know that Jace and Jonathan’s ‘dark bond’ is like a brainwashing/swaying for Jace, so he’s on the ‘dark side’ now. I wanted to explore the dynamic he would have with Alec, since the books…didn’t show it at all. You could envision this both in the books or in the future of the show i guess. Obviously, angst ensues…
Everything I could have wished for in this scenario – pure angst, full of parabatai emotions… I don’t think I breathed once!
A teen parabatai ficlet! I haven’t written one in ages. So there!
“When I die, promise not to follow me?”
It’s the eve of their parabatai ceremony and they’re sitting on the roof, sipping grape juice from crystal glasses stolen from Maryse’s office, and they pretend it to be wine and they pretend to like wine, still young enough to enjoy pretending.
I love every single word of this!
*deep breath* whO’S READY FOR SOME ANGST AND TO GET YOUR HEART B R O K E N
while i’m not fond of this idea, there is a good possibility of julian breaking all the parabatai bond so hERE GOES (don’t read if you want to keep your heart intact)
julian will do whatever it takes to be with emma. he makes a deal with the seelie queen. we don’t know what she wants in return. we don’t know what is done to make it so. we dont know what it costs, because now – now, there are bigger problems at hand. all over the globe, parabatai bonds break. two souls, bonded as one, their unique connection, shattered.
when the bond breaks for julian, it hurts, but he embraces it, because now, he can be with emma with no repercussions. (except, there is, there always will be, after what he has done) he’s overjoyed… but emma isn’t. she feels it break, just as he does. she, however, is not happy in the slightest. there is a small, traitorous part of her mind that whispers, you can be with julian now, isn’t that great? but no, she thinks, it’s not great, as she keels over in pain of losing the sense of julianjulianjulian in her. despite their love, they feel their souls cleave in half. when emma finds julian, or when he finds her, she slaps him. she screams at him, how dare you, julian, how dare you, i thought you were better than this, and he wants to say he doesn’t regret it, not when he can now be with her, but seeing her tears stream down her cheeks, seeing how she is more furious than joyful, his resolves falters, just a little.
somewhere else, jace and clary still go about their mission. that’s when jace feels it. it fucking hurts, and it takes him a moment to realise what’s burning. desperately, he finds his parabatai rune, only to see it fade into nothing. no – where’s alec, alec, jace thinks desperately, where is my other half, my brother. and he realises, no, he can’t feel alec, at all. next to him, clary cries out in pain, her own parabatai rune searing. simon, her soul cries, as he’s ripped away from her, simon! the two lovers cling to each other as they feel half of their souls ripping away from them, but even with each other, they can’t ease the pain and loss.
alec lies with magnus at the loft, tired after a day of navigating downworld politics. it’s sweet and domestic and – jace. jace, where are you, what happened. it comes out of nowhere and he clutches at magnus as he tries to find his parabatai rune and – whereisitwhereisitwhereisit. it – it can’t just be gone. it’s just like during the battle where valentine killed jace to raise raziel – except it’s worse. back then, jace had died – he had died and it had hurt like hell, his other half was dead, but nothing compared to this. nothing compared to having part of his soul forcefully ripped away by unnatural forces, to feel a yawning void at the loss of his soul-bonded, his sworn brother.
and magnus – magnus, with all his magic, feels something rip through the fabric of the world, feels something rippling through the nephilim, breaking apart what has always been constant. he reaches further with his magic – he hears hundreds, thousands of shadowhunter souls crying out, mourning the loss of their other half. he feels the rrrrrrrrriiiiip of so many souls, feels the bleeding of the broken halves, and he frantically turns back to alec, whose tears spill down his face, his blue eyes pained and glassy – alec never cries – and he aches, because magnus is old and he knows how parabatai are – he’s seen too many. two halves of one soul, one soul in two bodies, or two souls bound forever – take your pick. and he understands just how painful it would be – what’s a person without half of their soul? so magnus reaches out, trying to comfort his love though he knows it’s futile, and he mourns for all the halved souls, for alec and jace and clary and simon, for jem and will, for fierce little emma and quiet julian.
simon is with isabelle, training, or maybe kissing. and all of a sudden, the constant feeling of clary within him is gone, replaced by a hollow, hollow emptiness. he panicks and grabs aat isabelle, what happened to clary, and there’s nothing within him, no joy or anger or sadness, and he can’t feel her. and isabelle, through whatever connection that binds her to alec and jace as siblings, just understands, and as she holds a broken simon in her arms, she silently weeps for her brothers, for clary, for her love, because they don’t deserve it, after everything they’ve been through. how can they live without one half of their soul?
jem and tessa are taking a break from their quest when tessa, like magnus, feels a resounding rip through the fabric of existence just as jem gasps soundlessly. tessa knows instantly what has happened and barely has time to think, no, not again, when jem sinks to his knees. will, he chokes out, and tessa wants to scream at the heavens, why, why, why jem, why torture him for all the good he has done. and jem, he feels the loss of his beloved parabatai again. even years ago, even as a silent brother, losing will had hurt like no other. now, he experiences the same pain he had felt years ago, only much more pronounced. for even in death, part of the other’s soul stays with you, for not even death can part two halves of the same soul. jem feels what little is left of will – will, will, his will – rip away from him – there’s no more of will’s joy at seeing him and tessa together, no more contentment, only a gaping void where the bond once was.
there’s a pair, two girls, just finishing their parabatai ceremony. under the watchful gaze of a silent brother and iron sister and their smiling witnesses, they embrace, reveling in the feeling of their best friend zinging through them. then, all of a sudden, it’s gone, shattered. the bond – it’s only been there for less than a minute – and it’s gone. the best friends haven’t even had time to enjoy their souls bonded as one. as soon are they’re bound, they’re ripped away from each other, and even though they’ve only just finished the ceremony, it still hurts like no other – to have a taste of something extraordinary, and have it ripped away from you right away.
luke hasn’t cared about his parabatai bond in a long time. it had hurt when valentine betrayed him, hurt when he had turned, hurt even more when valentine died – but it was all muted, because then, valentine hadn’t mattered to him. not anymore. but this – this is one of the only times he feels his parabatai bond even as a werewolf, and he howls and his soul breaks. the bond – it might as well be broken in the first place, but it only makes it hurt more. his pack surrounds him, but he can’t bring himself to care as he mourns the loss of his former brother – for the valentine who had once loved him. (and valentine, burning in the fires of hell, feels the pain, far beyond any of the realm’s tortures, and regrets not cherishing this bond he had with lucian.)
so many shadowhunters had died in the war. so many of them had parabatai. now, those who had lost their parabatai feel the pain of losing their soul twice. the first time, taken away by the horrible fate of death. the second time, ripped away by the breaking of the bond, the horrifying loss of what little is left, replaced by a black hole that consumes them. it’s – it’s unbearable. that kind of pain – it’s enough to make some of them turn their heavenly blades on themselves, their broken souls joining their soul-bonded in heaven. those who do not – they break, shattering into pieces that can’t ever be put together again.
because – they’re not like jace and alec, or clary and simon, who still have each other after this. their parabatai is gone, gone, and there’s no one, no one who’s enough, who can bring them back from the pain. and where clary portals herself and jace, and magnus portals alec to the institute, where isabelle and simon are waiting, and jace and alec cling to each other furiously, while clary and simon embrace like they’re the only things keeping the other upright (and no, it’s not fine, and they don’t think it ever will be); where julian and emma still have each other despite emma’s anger… there’s no one to comfort jem, or others like him. tessa can’t ease his pain – can’t, because only will can, and she hurts for jem and will both, to see the boys she loves ripped away from each other so fiercely. for those whose parabatai have already died, an unending, gaping abyss fills their entire being. they have family and loved ones – but no, they can’t suffice, for nothing compares to the bond that is parabatai, and there’s nothing that can bring them back from the edge of the abyss.
perhaps, after death, some shadowhunters choose to be reincarnated. a mundane woman walks along the street, unaware, when a sudden pain strikes her, and it’s horrible, and she doesn’t know what’s happening, only that she feels like she’s lost something so very important. on the other side of the world, another mundane man doubles over to the shock of his colleagues, as the bond that connects the two breaks. and – they don’t know what happened, because how can they know that they were shadowhunters in a previous life, and they had just lost the other half of their soul? so these people live out the rest of their life with an uncurable emptiness living in their soul, with no idea that their other half had been taken away from them.
there are still shadowhunters in heaven, half of a parabatai bond, waiting for their loved ones to join them. but – but even in heaven, in this sacred, holy place, they still feel it. even heaven cannot block the connection of souls. and so the dead shadowhunters who have parabatai still on earth, or with them in heaven, feel the pain nonetheless. will, whose parabatai bond is much stronger than most others, feels the pain significantly. he’d been watching jem and tessa with a sense of contentment and then – even in death he feels it. no, no, james, please don’t leave me. he feels himself collapse, and he watches as jem falls to his knees, and he cries, because he’s up here and he can’t help jem. his parabatai is down there, hurting and helpless, and will can do nothing but watch. will has never felt so helpless, so pathetic, in his life. i’m so sorry jem, he cries, i’m so, so sorry.
max cries, for his brothers and their friends – he hates to see alec and jace in pain, and jace’s pretty girlfriend clary isn’t as pretty anymore as she sobs into her nerdy friend simon. livvy yells at julian, nonono no, julian, don’t you dare, but is useless, sliding to her knees to watch the consequences of her big brother’s actions. robert and michael, matthew and james, they clutch at each other as they feel the other leaving them – leaving them, even though they’re right next to each other. they’re together, with each other – but they’re not. the angels – who are almighty and cold and indifferent, and have no care for the shadowhunters – feel disaster looming, they see julian threatening the natural order of the world, and they do nothing to stop it – what is this little event to them? they feel millions of souls cleave in half, and they think, oh, this will pass.
the entire world hurts. souls broken and ripped apart. the seelie queen laughs in amusement as she watches the world fall to pieces in her scrying glass. and even when emma, headstrong and stubborn, bulldozes her way to faerie and confronts her, the queen only lets out a tinkling laugh. oh, darling, she says, you should have warned your pet of the consequences his actions would bring. now – now, this, she gestures to where emma’s parabatai rune had been, is irreversible. parabatai will cease to exist.
you should have known.
.
oh god why did i write this i’m sorry i spent like 2 hours typing this and now my heart hurts I’M SORRY DON’T KILL ME. i reread it and i legit cried.
@catarinalosss i was the evil anon i’m sorry, and you said (yes) to the essay and i was craving some angst so i delivered i’M SORRY
EDIIT/BONUS: (thanks @the-dark-instruments for prompting this!!)
in this world, there are people who aren’t parabatai, who aren’t bonded in such a way, and yet, their souls are still entwined. this occurs in the mundane world as well as the shadow world – and the breaking of parabatai bonds affects them as well.
an example of that would be ty and livvy blackthorn – twins, siblings, not yet parabatai, but with a connection that’s just as deep. they know each other in their bones, know their thoughts and actions, just as parabatai do. even in death, livvy feels ty hurting, and ty feels livvy’s concern, for they are twins, soulmates in every way. and so, julian’s actions affect them too. ty is reading, his head on kit’s lap. he’s still not over livvy’s death, but he thinks he will be. and kit will help him every step of the way. but then – hot, blinding pain. it’s a different pain from what parabatai experience – ty has no rune, but he and livvy share blood and bones, and he feels the pain in all of him, in his body and mind and heart and soul. livvy, he cries out, and then she’s ripped away from him, that slight connection reduced to nothing. it’s this moment that ty breaks – his twin, his twin, his twin – and curls into a ball. he feels kit cradle his head, murmuring soft reassurances, but it doesn’t ease the pain, because livvy was the only one who could do that. would always be the only one who could. no, livvy –
and livvy, watching jules destroy the world, breaks just as ty does, her body mind heart soul crying out for her twin. she reaches down, down, down, she needs to touch ty, to reassure him as she always does – and she can’t leave. she can only watch and ty breaks in kit’s arms, and she can’t help him, and there’s no one to console her, no one who can. she watches through her tears as her twin, her soul, bound by blood and loyalty and so much more… and she watches as ty becomes so much more broken. ty, ty, ty…
julian didn’t just destroy parabatai bonds. he destroyed all that links different souls together.
he destroyed the world.
and the queen laughs, again and again, horrible and twisted, taking pleasure from the pain. hse tuts.
oh, dear julian, you should have known.
.
s orry omg @cassandraclare if you do something like this i will cry
I dedicate this to @daisy-romanoff because she’s a bloody genius and my bae and we love to watch the world burn <3
For your knowledge – i don’t ship Seblec. But ‘the things we do to annoy people’ <3
Not a shipper either, but wowza, this is hot stuff! 😉
