*deep breath* whO’S READY FOR SOME ANGST AND TO GET YOUR HEART B R O K E N
while i’m not fond of this idea, there is a good possibility of julian breaking all the parabatai bond so hERE GOES (don’t read if you want to keep your heart intact)
julian will do whatever it takes to be with emma. he makes a deal with the seelie queen. we don’t know what she wants in return. we don’t know what is done to make it so. we dont know what it costs, because now – now, there are bigger problems at hand. all over the globe, parabatai bonds break. two souls, bonded as one, their unique connection, shattered.
when the bond breaks for julian, it hurts, but he embraces it, because now, he can be with emma with no repercussions. (except, there is, there always will be, after what he has done) he’s overjoyed… but emma isn’t. she feels it break, just as he does. she, however, is not happy in the slightest. there is a small, traitorous part of her mind that whispers, you can be with julian now, isn’t that great? but no, she thinks, it’s not great, as she keels over in pain of losing the sense of julianjulianjulian in her. despite their love, they feel their souls cleave in half. when emma finds julian, or when he finds her, she slaps him. she screams at him, how dare you, julian, how dare you, i thought you were better than this, and he wants to say he doesn’t regret it, not when he can now be with her, but seeing her tears stream down her cheeks, seeing how she is more furious than joyful, his resolves falters, just a little.
somewhere else, jace and clary still go about their mission. that’s when jace feels it. it fucking hurts, and it takes him a moment to realise what’s burning. desperately, he finds his parabatai rune, only to see it fade into nothing. no – where’s alec, alec, jace thinks desperately, where is my other half, my brother. and he realises, no, he can’t feel alec, at all. next to him, clary cries out in pain, her own parabatai rune searing. simon, her soul cries, as he’s ripped away from her, simon! the two lovers cling to each other as they feel half of their souls ripping away from them, but even with each other, they can’t ease the pain and loss.
alec lies with magnus at the loft, tired after a day of navigating downworld politics. it’s sweet and domestic and – jace. jace, where are you, what happened. it comes out of nowhere and he clutches at magnus as he tries to find his parabatai rune and – whereisitwhereisitwhereisit. it – it can’t just be gone. it’s just like during the battle where valentine killed jace to raise raziel – except it’s worse. back then, jace had died – he had died and it had hurt like hell, his other half was dead, but nothing compared to this. nothing compared to having part of his soul forcefully ripped away by unnatural forces, to feel a yawning void at the loss of his soul-bonded, his sworn brother.
and magnus – magnus, with all his magic, feels something rip through the fabric of the world, feels something rippling through the nephilim, breaking apart what has always been constant. he reaches further with his magic – he hears hundreds, thousands of shadowhunter souls crying out, mourning the loss of their other half. he feels the rrrrrrrrriiiiip of so many souls, feels the bleeding of the broken halves, and he frantically turns back to alec, whose tears spill down his face, his blue eyes pained and glassy – alec never cries – and he aches, because magnus is old and he knows how parabatai are – he’s seen too many. two halves of one soul, one soul in two bodies, or two souls bound forever – take your pick. and he understands just how painful it would be – what’s a person without half of their soul? so magnus reaches out, trying to comfort his love though he knows it’s futile, and he mourns for all the halved souls, for alec and jace and clary and simon, for jem and will, for fierce little emma and quiet julian.
simon is with isabelle, training, or maybe kissing. and all of a sudden, the constant feeling of clary within him is gone, replaced by a hollow, hollow emptiness. he panicks and grabs aat isabelle, what happened to clary, and there’s nothing within him, no joy or anger or sadness, and he can’t feel her. and isabelle, through whatever connection that binds her to alec and jace as siblings, just understands, and as she holds a broken simon in her arms, she silently weeps for her brothers, for clary, for her love, because they don’t deserve it, after everything they’ve been through. how can they live without one half of their soul?
jem and tessa are taking a break from their quest when tessa, like magnus, feels a resounding rip through the fabric of existence just as jem gasps soundlessly. tessa knows instantly what has happened and barely has time to think, no, not again, when jem sinks to his knees. will, he chokes out, and tessa wants to scream at the heavens, why, why, why jem, why torture him for all the good he has done. and jem, he feels the loss of his beloved parabatai again. even years ago, even as a silent brother, losing will had hurt like no other. now, he experiences the same pain he had felt years ago, only much more pronounced. for even in death, part of the other’s soul stays with you, for not even death can part two halves of the same soul. jem feels what little is left of will – will, will, his will – rip away from him – there’s no more of will’s joy at seeing him and tessa together, no more contentment, only a gaping void where the bond once was.
there’s a pair, two girls, just finishing their parabatai ceremony. under the watchful gaze of a silent brother and iron sister and their smiling witnesses, they embrace, reveling in the feeling of their best friend zinging through them. then, all of a sudden, it’s gone, shattered. the bond – it’s only been there for less than a minute – and it’s gone. the best friends haven’t even had time to enjoy their souls bonded as one. as soon are they’re bound, they’re ripped away from each other, and even though they’ve only just finished the ceremony, it still hurts like no other – to have a taste of something extraordinary, and have it ripped away from you right away.
luke hasn’t cared about his parabatai bond in a long time. it had hurt when valentine betrayed him, hurt when he had turned, hurt even more when valentine died – but it was all muted, because then, valentine hadn’t mattered to him. not anymore. but this – this is one of the only times he feels his parabatai bond even as a werewolf, and he howls and his soul breaks. the bond – it might as well be broken in the first place, but it only makes it hurt more. his pack surrounds him, but he can’t bring himself to care as he mourns the loss of his former brother – for the valentine who had once loved him. (and valentine, burning in the fires of hell, feels the pain, far beyond any of the realm’s tortures, and regrets not cherishing this bond he had with lucian.)
so many shadowhunters had died in the war. so many of them had parabatai. now, those who had lost their parabatai feel the pain of losing their soul twice. the first time, taken away by the horrible fate of death. the second time, ripped away by the breaking of the bond, the horrifying loss of what little is left, replaced by a black hole that consumes them. it’s – it’s unbearable. that kind of pain – it’s enough to make some of them turn their heavenly blades on themselves, their broken souls joining their soul-bonded in heaven. those who do not – they break, shattering into pieces that can’t ever be put together again.
because – they’re not like jace and alec, or clary and simon, who still have each other after this. their parabatai is gone, gone, and there’s no one, no one who’s enough, who can bring them back from the pain. and where clary portals herself and jace, and magnus portals alec to the institute, where isabelle and simon are waiting, and jace and alec cling to each other furiously, while clary and simon embrace like they’re the only things keeping the other upright (and no, it’s not fine, and they don’t think it ever will be); where julian and emma still have each other despite emma’s anger… there’s no one to comfort jem, or others like him. tessa can’t ease his pain – can’t, because only will can, and she hurts for jem and will both, to see the boys she loves ripped away from each other so fiercely. for those whose parabatai have already died, an unending, gaping abyss fills their entire being. they have family and loved ones – but no, they can’t suffice, for nothing compares to the bond that is parabatai, and there’s nothing that can bring them back from the edge of the abyss.
perhaps, after death, some shadowhunters choose to be reincarnated. a mundane woman walks along the street, unaware, when a sudden pain strikes her, and it’s horrible, and she doesn’t know what’s happening, only that she feels like she’s lost something so very important. on the other side of the world, another mundane man doubles over to the shock of his colleagues, as the bond that connects the two breaks. and – they don’t know what happened, because how can they know that they were shadowhunters in a previous life, and they had just lost the other half of their soul? so these people live out the rest of their life with an uncurable emptiness living in their soul, with no idea that their other half had been taken away from them.
there are still shadowhunters in heaven, half of a parabatai bond, waiting for their loved ones to join them. but – but even in heaven, in this sacred, holy place, they still feel it. even heaven cannot block the connection of souls. and so the dead shadowhunters who have parabatai still on earth, or with them in heaven, feel the pain nonetheless. will, whose parabatai bond is much stronger than most others, feels the pain significantly. he’d been watching jem and tessa with a sense of contentment and then – even in death he feels it. no, no, james, please don’t leave me. he feels himself collapse, and he watches as jem falls to his knees, and he cries, because he’s up here and he can’t help jem. his parabatai is down there, hurting and helpless, and will can do nothing but watch. will has never felt so helpless, so pathetic, in his life. i’m so sorry jem, he cries, i’m so, so sorry.
max cries, for his brothers and their friends – he hates to see alec and jace in pain, and jace’s pretty girlfriend clary isn’t as pretty anymore as she sobs into her nerdy friend simon. livvy yells at julian, nonono no, julian, don’t you dare, but is useless, sliding to her knees to watch the consequences of her big brother’s actions. robert and michael, matthew and james, they clutch at each other as they feel the other leaving them – leaving them, even though they’re right next to each other. they’re together, with each other – but they’re not. the angels – who are almighty and cold and indifferent, and have no care for the shadowhunters – feel disaster looming, they see julian threatening the natural order of the world, and they do nothing to stop it – what is this little event to them? they feel millions of souls cleave in half, and they think, oh, this will pass.
the entire world hurts. souls broken and ripped apart. the seelie queen laughs in amusement as she watches the world fall to pieces in her scrying glass. and even when emma, headstrong and stubborn, bulldozes her way to faerie and confronts her, the queen only lets out a tinkling laugh. oh, darling, she says, you should have warned your pet of the consequences his actions would bring. now – now, this, she gestures to where emma’s parabatai rune had been, is irreversible. parabatai will cease to exist.
you should have known.
oh god why did i write this i’m sorry i spent like 2 hours typing this and now my heart hurts I’M SORRY DON’T KILL ME. i reread it and i legit cried.
@catarinalosss i was the evil anon i’m sorry, and you said (yes) to the essay and i was craving some angst so i delivered i’M SORRY
EDIIT/BONUS: (thanks @the-dark-instruments for prompting this!!)
in this world, there are people who aren’t parabatai, who aren’t bonded in such a way, and yet, their souls are still entwined. this occurs in the mundane world as well as the shadow world – and the breaking of parabatai bonds affects them as well.
an example of that would be ty and livvy blackthorn – twins, siblings, not yet parabatai, but with a connection that’s just as deep. they know each other in their bones, know their thoughts and actions, just as parabatai do. even in death, livvy feels ty hurting, and ty feels livvy’s concern, for they are twins, soulmates in every way. and so, julian’s actions affect them too. ty is reading, his head on kit’s lap. he’s still not over livvy’s death, but he thinks he will be. and kit will help him every step of the way. but then – hot, blinding pain. it’s a different pain from what parabatai experience – ty has no rune, but he and livvy share blood and bones, and he feels the pain in all of him, in his body and mind and heart and soul. livvy, he cries out, and then she’s ripped away from him, that slight connection reduced to nothing. it’s this moment that ty breaks – his twin, his twin, his twin – and curls into a ball. he feels kit cradle his head, murmuring soft reassurances, but it doesn’t ease the pain, because livvy was the only one who could do that. would always be the only one who could. no, livvy –
and livvy, watching jules destroy the world, breaks just as ty does, her body mind heart soul crying out for her twin. she reaches down, down, down, she needs to touch ty, to reassure him as she always does – and she can’t leave. she can only watch and ty breaks in kit’s arms, and she can’t help him, and there’s no one to console her, no one who can. she watches through her tears as her twin, her soul, bound by blood and loyalty and so much more… and she watches as ty becomes so much more broken. ty, ty, ty…
julian didn’t just destroy parabatai bonds. he destroyed all that links different souls together.
he destroyed the world.
and the queen laughs, again and again, horrible and twisted, taking pleasure from the pain. hse tuts.
oh, dear julian, you should have known.
s orry omg @cassandraclare if you do something like this i will cry